My story, living with anxiety. I was in my early 20,s when I started getting anxiety, although I had some issues as a kid. At the age of 3 I had alopecia, I wouldn’t sleep, and drove my parents round the bend, I was put on barbiturates, I also had an imaginary friend, and wet the bed. I always felt like I had to protect my parents from certain things, that happened in my life, even when I was wee. I was always scared of being abandoned to, I hated when they went out, I wouldn’t sleep till they came home. I fell pregnant at 17, and didn’t tell anyone until I was 7 months. I had always had horrible thoughts about my mum and dad dying, or my wee brother, it was scary. I had gone to bed one night, and woke in the early hours of the morning, with no feeling in my left side of my body, and I couldn’t breathe, I felt sick, shaky and thought I was dying, my stomach was in a knot. I got a gp appointment the following day, and I got the strangest feeling in my head, and screamed at the gp, please help me. He gave me diazepam, and that was the start. I went back and forth to my gp, whom gave me antidepressants they didn’t help, so I,d try another and another till I got one that did work. Then I started drinking to help the anxiety, I would start drinking about 5am, just a couple to take the edge off, so I could stuff. Everything seemed to scare me, I wouldn’t wash, I was scared to get in the bath. I wouldn’t eat incase I choked, I wouldn’t go out incase I died in the street, I became very obsessed with my son, I wouldn’t let him out my sight, I didn’t put him to school either, cos of my fear, of someone harming him. My mum and dad were kind of supportive, but not as much as l would of liked. They looked after my son, a lot but he still stayed with me. My life became so uncontrollable, I didn’t want to live anymore, I have self harmed, I have put myself in some situations, and I have done so many stupid things, having sex with strangers for drink cos I need the drink. I know what has caused some of my fears, the fear of stopping breathing, my brother had asthma, fear of death and dying, came when I sneaked into to the room where my grannie was resting, after she had died, the fear of things that anybody could do to my son, cos I had been interfered by men, when I was wee. I have seen psychologists, cpn,s, and felt nobody could help me.
I started work in 2003 and that helped a lot, working as a carer. I couldn’t drink as much, cos I was driving, but the time I got anxious was when I got drunk, I would spend all day anxious. I stopped drinking in 2010, before I turned 50 the anxiety came back for a while, its now gone, and I can move on with my life, don’t get me wrong, I still have two traits I,d love to sort out, dependence, and avoidance lol, but hey we cant all be perfect. The most ironic thing is my father was a psychiatric charge nurse for 35 years. Now I can say I am in a better place, still a few things to iron out, but hey Rome wasn’t built in a day. Oh I am 54 now, and I am fine. Good luck to you all, if there is anything I can help any body with, I will. Cheers for reading. Karen
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